Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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