So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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