No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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