One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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