Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
