My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
