he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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