Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
