I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
