i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
