I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
