I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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