Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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