Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
