i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
