if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
