dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
