My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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