we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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