I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
A+ Viking dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
