I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
