You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
