I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
