Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
