Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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