Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
