dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
how drunk are you?
Several
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
