The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
