a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
