U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
