my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
