i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize