I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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