Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize