Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
