You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
