I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
