The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
