Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
