U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize