sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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