I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
