It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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