if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
