Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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