Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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