no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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