my phone needs a breathalizer
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
