he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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