The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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