you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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