WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
