you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
