Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
