I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
