I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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