I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
