Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
