He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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