Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
