we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if only i could text you this smell
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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