...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
