I cannot find my penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
