I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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