I can text with my tongue
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
