I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize