I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
